Suffering

It's been a while since I have written. i am still struggling through school. I am very excited about learning about the OT, but man it is really dry. I didn't do very well on my test (81) and I have a two papers due next week that I am putting off. I really hate writing. I have had a really tough few days with my thoughtlife. I feel that I am being haunted by my family's past. I dont know much about my father, but I do know that he was pretty lazy and didn't have much ambition. In my thoughts I am feeling the same way. I really want to do well in school, I want to hear God's voice and i want to be a great father, husband ect... But there seems to be something blocking me from being better. I blame it on not having a father figure when I was young and try to justify my laziness. I am struggling with being at one place in my life and then the next wanting to be somewhere else. It's kind of like the Fire Department job. It is all i know and all i feel that I can do, but at the same time I dont feel it is my call in life. I feel like I am going to go to work on July 14th and then retire on July 14th 2028. When do we realize that this is where and what we need to be doing? Am I suppose to be a fireman? Am I suppose to be in the Ministry? I dont know. I am really not faithful enough to be in the Ministry full time, and i am not motivated to be a firefighter all the time. I hate not knowing where I am or where I am suppose to be!